Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Somethin' New

I'm starting something new to the blog. Datatada....

In the WORD Wednesdays
!

So from now on, every Wednesday my post will focus on a Bible passage, topic from Scripture, a question I have, or an excerpt from a devotion I read that week....and so on.

Here we go....

When Josh and I were first married we were eager to start a family. We wanted our house filled with children. Now. That was our plan. Months and then years went by and we were still at "square one". We were extremely disappointed. Meanwhile, "everyone else" (and their brother) was having children and they were busy raising their families. Were we thrilled for them? Absolutely, yes! Were we devastated that it wasn't our family that was welcoming a baby? Yes to that, too!

When I look back at the time, I truly remember just being lonely. I mean, Really Lonely. The topic of infertility is simply not something that comes up in daily conversation...

Friend: "So did you catch Dancing with the Stars last night?"
Me: "Of course! I love it!"
Friend: "I'm so sad that Misty & Maks are off."
Me: "Yea, what a bummer. Speaking of sad, we're really having some fertility problems..."

Don't get me wrong - we have extremely loving and supportive friends and family. I had wonderful talks with a handful of people who I will be forever grateful to. These special people ALWAYS made it clear that they were always there to listen or talk. Its just that most of the time, I really didn't want to talk about it because an extremely wide range of very deep emotions were being dealt with. It was hard to articulate those emtions into words - it still is.

I am the first to admit that during the height of our struggle, I was kind of a mess. (Understandably maybe ;0) ??) I felt like a different person. I prayed and prayed, but even then, I was carrying a lot of stress and worry and heartache and questions. My sinful nature didn't always listen to the words of a hymn I had learned 20 years earlier and had sung countless times since then:

What a friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer!
Oh, what peace we often forfeit,
Oh, what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer!
(Christian Worship 411)


"Oh, what peace we often forfeit." Peace! I was forfeiting it. I was giving it up because I was keeping such a death grip on trying to control the situation. I prayed continually for peace - contentment in my heart.

Did peace equal not being sad about our situation? No, not necessarily. But instead of dwelling on that sadness, I needed to be content with the tremendous blessings in my life! (My incredible husband and wonderful family, just to name a few!) Instead of seeing myself stuck at "square one", I needed to focus on using that time to strengthen my relationship with my Savior! Enjoy the one-on-one time with my husband! I needed to trust that God's plan for us was greater and wider and much more incredible than any dream I could've come up with! He would unfold that plan in HIS time, not our time.

I've been reading the Psalms and recently came across the following verses that stirred up emotions in my heart:

Psalm 31:6, 7 ~ "I trust in the LORD. I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul."
Psalm 37:4 ~ "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart."

God knows our hearts. He knows our desire to be parents. Josh and I have not conceived a child biologically, but instead are on this incredible journey to our very own child through adoption.

Our past struggles and anguish have served a purpose. They have brought us closer to each other in our marriage. We have drawn closer to our Lord. When we hold our baby in our arms, our JOY will be intensified.

I would not change a single part of our journey. We have made mistakes, asked for forgiveness, learned, loved, prayed, and have been filled with peace.

We are blessed. We are thankful. We rejoice! God is so good.

Blessings,
Rachel


4 comments:

  1. Thank you so much for sharing your heart. It's so strange - I feel as if I could have written that post myself! The Lord has taken me on such a similar journey through the pain of infertility and changed me in so many ways because of it. I appreciate your honesty so much :)

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  2. Rachel,
    I was just catching up on your last couple blogs when your comment came through! I just wanted to tell you that I think about you a lot and always pray for you then. The personal struggles you must have endured over the past few years are something I will never understand, I'm sure, but I definitely see God working through your life. That is an amazing sight. Your faith has become a wonderful testament to my life, and I am sure to MANY others. God is blessing MANY through you. Thank you for sharing your journey with us all. I am honored to be involved in this smallest of ways.

    God's blessing on each day.

    ~Crystal~

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  3. Thankyou for sharing your story. I am a mother of an amazing 12 year old daughter. I recently remarried and we have been struggling with getting pregnant as I have pcos. I cry daily about this.I pray daily about this. I say Ive given it up to God but am still struggling. Your blog has been such a blessing more than you know. My husband and I are youth group leaders and I thank God everyday for that opportunity. I trust in Him as well because I know He knows the desires of our hearts :)

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  4. This brought tears to my eyes! I am in awe of you. You shine so bright for Jesus.

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