Thursday, January 8, 2009

Our Own

When I share the news with people that we are adopting I have been greeted with a number of responses...

The majority are excited and ask questions and want to know more (like so many of you).
There are a some that simply say "Congrats".
And yet there are few who tell us "How nice", but then add the comment "Maybe someday you'll have one of your own."

Whether they say this out of pity or ignorance, I do not know. Do they not realize those words are like a stab to the heart? (and bring out my protective Mama instincts - big time)

If only they could look into our hearts.
They would understand....

....that this child could not be any more our own.

....that adoption is not 2nd choice, 2nd best.

....that I give thanks for each and every one of those months that we did not get pregnant. Because without them, we would not be on this journey at this time to this child, our child.

....that I am the one who feels sorry for them, for they will never know the miracle of adoption.

....that I can say without hesitation that this child is the child our hearts have desired since the day we were married.

....that I could not have planned our journey to parenthood any more perfectly. That I wouldn't change a single thing.

....that we are humbled by God's gifts and plan for us.

....that we are giddy with excitement.

....that even though I have not seen our child's face or felt his kicks or heard his little heartbeat, the love I have for our child is beyond measure.

....that the love I already have for our baby takes my breath away.

....that even if I said all of this, there certainly are not enough words to describe how Josh and I feel.


But, unfortunately, they cannot see into our hearts.

So please pray that we have the grace to answer such comments with God-pleasing answers. That their eyes & hearts will be opened.

Thank you for following the journey to our child. We are so blessed.
Love to you all,
Rachel



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30 comments:

  1. AMEN!!!
    Thanks for wonderful post. I coudln't have said it better myself.

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  2. your thoughts about loving your child so much gave me chills!

    my favorite comment is "now you'll get pregnant." if only they knew how hard we are trying NOT to get pregnant right now (even though we really can't anyway)!

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  3. When I tell people I've adopted they say watch out now you'll "really" have a baby....like this one isn't good enough! Ugghhhh

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  4. Rachel, I can only imagine how hard it would be to answer questions or respond to comments that are very hurtful. I will pray that God will give you the perfect words to say! You are an amazing example to so many!!!

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  5. Rach, because we know each other now, I'm going to be completely honest with you. About 2 years ago I would have been one of those ignorant people. I never would have said "someday you'll have one of your own" I would have thought
    "how sad that they can't...blah blah blah."
    Sister, I do NOT wish to hurt your feelings...
    I got pregnant easily, I was mad when I got pregnant the second time. Here I sit having suppose to have had my period and it was very light and I thought well this just sucks. and them I see your sweet face and my RLF Bekah and Wendi @ everydaymiracles and I begin seeing where God is working. Bekah was VERY candid with me on their choice to adopt. They have 2 children and she said it's always been on her heart to have a dark skinned baby. Now, they are waiting placement. I am over the moon happy for her and her family and for that baby. I can't wait to meet that baby. Nor can I wait to meet your baby! But when I think of my children or having more...fear hits me. The world out there is DANGEROUS and scary, I want to wrap my children up and never let them from my sight. But then I'm not trusting HIM.
    Rob's brother and sis-inlaw can't have children. We don't know why. They never wanted to adopt. It is a very very sore subject. I am the kind of person that wants to understand. I like to ask questions. I'm a feelings girl. So all I know is they never got pregnant, never went to see a doctor, never said anything about wanting children, not wanting children...nothing. So that is hard. I feel like I'm rambling.
    I hope I didn't hurt your feelings...if I did you MUST tell me. Show me what I said that was hurtful...I am learning through you, and Bekah and Wendi...because my experience is so different. I only know my heart and feelings. I love learning about you, and Josh and your hearts. When Stacey (my other sis-inlaw) miscarried a month ago I felt horrible. I didn't know what to say, because I was afraid I'd say the "wrong" thing. So I just said I was so sorry. Then she preceeded to tell me how it never felt right...but when we had the first scare she told me she felt great everything checked out and was good. I never get a clear HONEST answer from her.
    The s-inlaws are the reason I changed the blog and deleted Butterville. They were my lurkers.
    They never admitted to reading it and when I'd ask they'd lie and say "oh, no I don't even know where it is." Long story... so I feel like I should just delete this whole comment. But I won't you can if you want. I feel stupid now, why I have no idea.

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  6. Rachel,
    This is so sweet! I LOVE your perspectives - your contentment. God obviously has had a plan for you and the baby you have yet to meet. I feel priveleged to be able to observe this through your blog.
    I know many who do not have your perspective. It could be the reason that some offer comments that hurt. Not every one can thank God for the years they have yearned to carry a chid in their bodies and give birth.
    Rachel, you are a wonderful woman with such a sweet outlook. Unfortunately there are some who do feel that adoption is their second choice and that they had to let go of a dream to get there.
    Every body sees things differently and will respond acording to those perspectives.
    Thanking God for the amazing home you will be giving your child!

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  7. I emailed you :). I must say I am just so thankful for forgiveness and that God has put gracious people like you in my life to enlighten me, share his forgiveness and help me to be a better person in my walk. God bless you as you continue this journey! Thanks for sharing so we can more fully understand!
    Gina

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  8. I am sitting at my desk crying right now. This is an amazing post, and I am thankful to you for putting into words (beautifully) how I feel. It seems hard for some people to understand how right and perfect this journey to parenthood is. And it is definitely not "Plan B." I too feel sorry for them, and hope one day they can open their hearts and minds to understand. You are going to be an amazing mother, and I hope you save this post to share with your little one. I cannot wait for you and Josh to get the call. It couldn't happen to two more deserving people. Thanks again for a wonderful post.

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  9. thanks for posting your thoughts on this. you are precious.

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  10. Perfect timing for your post! Someone said this to me the other day, and it felt like a stab in my heart, too. I completely agree with your thoughts. Hopefully the more we educate people the more they will understand the wonderful gift of adoption!

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  11. Oh, Rachel, your "list" was so sweet and just as much if not more touching than something a biological mother could write. I sincerely hope these people spoke in ignorance and did not realize the full effect of their words. I think it is so amazingly wonderful what you & Josh are doing. In my opinion it takes a stronger woman to adopt because it truly is a choice: a choice to take a child into your lives, home, and heart and commit to love this child unconditionally. It could also carry with it the necessity to heal past wounds depending on how old and what background the child is coming from. You guys amaze and inspire me and I'm so glad you are blogging the whole journey. I have no doubt after reading your sweet, sweet posts that waiting for an adoptive baby is just as hard and exciting (if not more so!!!) as waiting for a biological baby. We'll continue to lift you and your family up in prayers - just please keep sharing! Love ya, girl!

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  12. My Heart is heavy for you both. You know Joel & I went through all those feelings too. You & I have talked about this. I pray that the Lord continues to give you both the strength as you wait for Baby "O" to come into your lives.
    And when that baby does come you will never want to let them go. Your face will also hurt-why you ask?? Because you won't stop smiling & giving praise to God for your child. Love Ya Rachel !!!

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  13. I am so thankful that I found your blog and could read about your journey to adoption. I am so curious about the process because I don't know what my future holds as far as children go, but I'm like you: adoption is not a second choice. It is a beautiful, loving decision made by people who are willing to take in an innocent child who needs love. It makes me tear up because what you and Josh are doing is so wonderful, beyond words. I am so thankful for you and for your decision to do this. I hope God blesses your growing family beyond your expectations, because you deserve it.

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  14. Rachel, you have a wonderful way with words. You were able to capture how an adoptive mother's heart feels, and you said it so amazingly! It seems like you have a heart for an orphan ministry!

    I'll pray that God uses you and your words to teach others about adoption. Adoption has gone through a huge reform in the last 20 years... and it's got a long way to go. Sadly, some people have only learned about adoption through television, so they just don't understand.

    We have been given a gift, to have an adoptive mother's heart. It's an amazing gift and comes with a clearer view of the world. Cherish your gift and use it well.

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  15. your excitement is so contagious...i just love it. i just love seeing God work in your heart and your life and that through a simple blog has shown me and taught me so much...

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  16. Perfectly said! It is so hard when people do not understand that adoption is just another way of forming a family, it does not define your family and does not make the way you feel about your children any different.

    Kristen

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  17. Great post!!!! I just don't think some people will ever "get it". Praying you continue to have a patient heart and referrals start pouring in!

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  18. some people think without thinking... bad thing to do. it sounds like you have your head on right. God has this journey your on for a wonderful reason - keep being strong!

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  19. I just wanted to say again how much I admire your decision to adopt and I think your thoughts and feelings about it are just the way a Mom's should be. God's blessings and I keep praying that you will get news about your baby soon.

    Abbie

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  20. I totally agree with you! I have had this said to me so many times...or the comment about how now we'll get pregnant since we're adopting! I love what you said about this not being second best - that is just how we feel. The journey may not have been what we expected, but we are so excited and thankful that the Lord has brought us to this point. Every day I think about how I am now ONE DAY closer!!! Thinking about what it will be like to hold them in my arms and know that they are my VERY OWN...I can't even wait for that moment! I appreciate you talking about this on your blog because obviously so many people who are adopting deal with comments like that :) You are a blessing!

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  21. Oh lady. That was so well said. I'm sorry people ask questions or make statements that take away from your journey to YOUR baby. Your baby IS your own. Already. Not that you didn't know that, I just had a strong need to validate :)

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  22. Something really beautiful is that your child will have this post to look back on someday when he/she wants to know how you felt before she came into your lives. She'll treasure this even when she's at my ripe old age of 46, when she realizes how much she was wanted and loved.

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  23. You heart is so beautiful and loving and your child is going to be so immensely priviliged to be able to call you his or her mama. I am truly sorry for the hurtful things that have been said to you and I pray for you that you will know how to deal with these things. Sending you a big hug, my friend. I love that you have invited all of us along on this journey with you.

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  24. You have the true heart of a mother! It is a miracle to welcome a child into your family no matter how she joins it, I can attest to that first hand! The act of adoption is a wonderful thing, yes, but the bigger picture is this CHILD is a blessing! Like the above commenter (Heather) said, I know you already know this, I am just validating what you said! :o)

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  25. AMEN Sister!!!!!! I too have had the comments, and feel the same way!

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  26. Hi Rachel,

    I came to your site via Kelly's Korner and I was immediately interested because I saw that you were adopting...from South Korea!

    I am adopted also (from S. Korea) and when I read this post, I realized it was the way I felt and my parents have felt for my entire life.

    Why don't people understand that I am as much my parent's child as my biological siblings are? They don't understand the bond I have with my parents is as real a bond as any daughter/parent can have. It doesn't matter that I wasn't carried in my mother's womb...she is my mom through and through.

    Unfortunately, this will be something you and your family will encounter more often than you wish. And being that I'm Asian and my family is Caucasian, one of my biggest pet peeves is if my mom and I go out to eat and the server asks if we want separate checks. This happens almost 100% of the time and reminds me yet again that I have no resemblance to my mom.

    Fortunately, I was raised in the best household ever full of love and acceptance. I have never once felt different among my family, but only among those that don't understand adoption and the miracle of it all.

    But I KNOW that I was sent from God to be with my parents and that's all that matters in the end. They chose me and I am theirs.

    I'm so happy for you and your husband!

    Sincerely,
    Angela

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  27. Rachel ~

    Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt post. I found you through Heather of the EO. I'm a third momma (that's what I sometimes call myself because my daughter has her first momma, her foster momma in China and me).

    The comments are hurtful. They may get worse when you arrive home. I was unprepared for the racism we faced/ continue to face - and we live in a multicultural area of the country.

    Blessings to you as you prepare for this new journey in your life. Read, read, read about IA. Pray, pray, pray to the Lord.

    You will be an amazing momma.

    Smiles and Blessings ~ TM

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  28. Beautiful words! We have a little China boy and so many people still ask that when they meet him. I am excited for you and the joy of the journey of adoption. It is awesome and I would love for everyone to experience it!! Blessings, on you both and your precious little one!

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  29. Beautiful words! We have a little China boy and so many people still ask that when they meet him. I am excited for you and the joy of the journey of adoption. It is awesome and I would love for everyone to experience it!! Blessings, on you both and your precious little one!

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