Sometimes I wonder what it's like.
What it's like to decide to grow your family and botta-boom, less than a year later there's another delicious baby neck to sniff. A new name added to the Christmas card. 10 more finger nails to clip.
I can't quite wrap my brain around it. It's not how our story has played out, so I wonder. Simple as that. Just like I wonder what it would be like to live in Hawaii or if it's going to rain tonight or what will become of my beloved Mista Bates. I wonder stuff.
I used to be jealous. Oh yes, I was. Dang, she's expecting again? She *just* told me they were hoping to get pregnant soon. Woe is me. When will it be my turn? Where's the chocolate. Those feelings came from a place of deep sadness, but it doesn't make them ok. Jealousy is a stinker. It steals joy and makes you think crazy things. It's a slippery slope into empty and lonely. It deserves a spanking. It's wrong and it's yuck. No thanks. Moving on.
I have no lingering infertility sadness or a desire to give birth that just won't quit. God has poured that out of me and healed me straight up. He has brought adoption into my life and it's the gift that keeps unwrapping itself. Not only does it give Josh and I the opportunity to be parents, it's also opening my eyes wide to the hurt and the need and the beauty of this world. My heart is in a peaceful place right now and has been in this sweet little space for a while, thanks be to Jesus and all the grace He doles out on me. Clearly, it hasn't always been this way. I used to fret when my ideal family portrait didn't match up with what He was cooking up for us ::
Waiting four years for a kiddo? Fret like a maniac.
I want to adopt again stat. I don't want to wait. Fret.
Our kids need to be two years apart. I read in some random magazine that two years is the golden rule of sibling spacing. Fret.
That's not a way to live out this precious life. It's not the way to appreciate all the good staring me in the face and wrapping itself around me. So I'm done with that. God's gifts abound and I'm seeing them. Truly seeing them instead of past them. I take Josiah YeJoon's sweet little brown face in my hands and smooch him til he wiggles away. He'll be be four this Fall. We are in the dark about when or how our family will grow. Next year? In five years? Ever? Baby or toddler or big kiddo? Will those eyes be green or brown or blue? Your guess is as good as mine. Wonder away. I do.
Maybe there are folks out there who look at me and wonder what it's like to not be able to grow your family when you want to. To need tens and tens of thousands of dollars to do it. To wait and wait and wait without a due date. To grasp a photo in your hand and love a baby born across an ocean. To look into almondy eyes and want to do a backflip because being in love with this kid is the best.thing.evah. To be such a perfectly perfect match must be something.
If you're wondering, it is. The best kind of something.
So yes, I wonder, but mostly I pray prayers of thanks and tag on extra whispers for our next littles. I'm here and ready when you are. Keep heaping that peace to my heart, Lord. I rest my head on the pillow of God's promises. It's comfy here. I'm content and hopeful. He's got this whole thing covered - something He's proven time and time again. He's the one who hands out the gifts - whether you've hoped for them for a moment or for years. Who better to receive them from?
My palms are open wide.
It's been a month since I've last written in this place. My longest break ever. June was a crazy, joyful, busy month and I'll share bits of her with you soon. I hope summer is treating you well, friends.