Friday, June 29, 2012

sometimes I wonder

seattle 3
Sometimes I wonder what it's like. 

What it's like to decide to grow your family and botta-boom, less than a year later there's another delicious baby neck to sniff. A new name added to the Christmas card. 10 more finger nails to clip.

I can't quite wrap my brain around it. It's not how our story has played out, so I wonder. Simple as that. Just like I wonder what it would be like to live in Hawaii or if it's going to rain tonight or what will become of my beloved Mista Bates. I wonder stuff. 

I used to be jealous. Oh yes, I was. Dang, she's expecting again? She *just* told me they were hoping to get pregnant soon. Woe is me. When will it be my turn? Where's the chocolate. Those feelings came from a place of deep sadness, but it doesn't make them ok. Jealousy is a stinker. It steals joy and makes you think crazy things. It's a slippery slope into empty and lonely. It deserves a spanking. It's wrong and it's yuck. No thanks. Moving on. 

I have no lingering infertility sadness or a desire to give birth that just won't quit. God has poured that out of me and healed me straight up. He has brought adoption into my life and it's the gift that keeps unwrapping itself. Not only does it give Josh and I the opportunity to be parents, it's also opening my eyes wide to the hurt and the need and the beauty of this world. My heart is in a peaceful place right now and has been in this sweet little space for a while, thanks be to Jesus and all the grace He doles out on me. Clearly, it hasn't always been this way. I used to fret when my ideal family portrait didn't match up with what He was cooking up for us :: 

Waiting four years for a kiddo? Fret like a maniac. 
I want to adopt again stat. I don't want to wait. Fret. 
Our kids need to be two years apart. I read in some random magazine that two years is the golden rule of sibling spacing. Fret.


That's not a way to live out this precious life. It's not the way to appreciate all the good staring me in the face and wrapping itself around me. So I'm done with that. God's gifts abound and I'm seeing them. Truly seeing them instead of past them. I take Josiah YeJoon's sweet little brown face in my hands and smooch him til he wiggles away. He'll be be four this Fall. We are in the dark about when or how our family will grow. Next year? In five years? Ever? Baby or toddler or big kiddo? Will those eyes be green or brown or blue? Your guess is as good as mine. Wonder away. I do. 

Maybe there are folks out there who look at me and wonder what it's like to not be able to grow your family when you want to. To need tens and tens of thousands of dollars to do it. To wait and wait and wait without a due date. To grasp a photo in your hand and love a baby born across an ocean. To look into almondy eyes and want to do a backflip because being in love with this kid is the best.thing.evah. To be such a perfectly perfect match must be something. 

If you're wondering, it is. The best kind of something. 

So yes, I wonder, but mostly I pray prayers of thanks and tag on extra whispers for our next littles. I'm here and ready when you are. Keep heaping that peace to my heart, Lord. I rest my head on the pillow of God's promises. It's comfy here. I'm content and hopeful. He's got this whole thing covered - something He's proven time and time again. He's the one who hands out the gifts - whether you've hoped for them for a moment or for years. Who better to receive them from?

My palms are open wide.



It's been a month since I've last written in this place. My longest break ever. June was a crazy, joyful, busy month and I'll share bits of her with you soon. I hope summer is treating you well, friends.


  1. This is a great post, Rachel. I sometimes wonder what the Lord will hand me when it comes our time to try for a family. And jealousy is just the root of all that's evil. I certainly have had my moments, as I will be starting a family later than most. God bless you and your family! You are a super role model!

  2. Awesome post! I have felt it and understand every single word. Prayers for patience and understanding for you. I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. Hugs to you!

  3. i'm so thankful to the Lord for your blog and what you share. my husband and i have been on the waiting list for our little one from south korea for a month now. it is such a blessing to read your posts and see the Lord's provisions for your family! thanks for allowing Him to use you to encourage us at the stage we are at!!

  4. thank you for sharing. this is beautiful:)

  5. this is such a great post...really really great post. i DO wonder what it's like to NOT be able to grow your family when you want to, what it would be like to live in london, or why people choose to do the things that they do sometimes. we are in the wondering stage of life right now too...where will j's job take us in the next year if anywhere...should we grow our family or is it big enough? ? ? ? it's hard to know...we're just waiting for answers. glad you're back, chica :)

  6. Rachel, you have such a way with words. Beautifully written post, as always. I am a little worried you have been reading my diary many of the same emotions and thought and ideas blur together in my head these days. You are farther along in your journey than me, but I'm thankful for your posts and honesty.

  7. I love this post! God healed me of jealousy too and I am so thankful!

  8. so glad to see you back here, girl. :)
    getting to know you via IG has been super fun, but reading this is a peek into your beautiful heart.
    one that God has filled to overflowing with His goodness and it is so inspiring.
    to see your peace.
    and contentment.
    and the victory HE has given over sin in your life.
    you inspire me, girlie...and i will pray for you, too.

    seeing your life through the IG lens has literally made me think so many times of where Si would be today had you not had open hearts in the love you bestow upon him, and him you just warms my heart to pieces! a match made in Heaven indeed!
    God's pillow pf promises IS comfy, and i love how you put it that way.

  9. girl! i struggle with jealousy so bad... over different things, but the same sin, nonetheless. my parent's divorced and then my dad died when i was 9, so i get so jealous of my friends and their relationships with their dad. i guess i grieve what could have been. much like you, might, grieve. so our trials are very different, but God is molding us much the same. love how He works like that. thank you for your sincerity, honesty, and devotion to pursuing righteousness over sin. you are a light. love ya!

  10. motherhood... the gift that keeps unwrapping itself. i love that. although our girls happen to be fairly close in age, i remember that feeling well - wondering if or when it would ever happen again so miraculously for us. would it take as long the second time as it did the first time? the waiting and wondering are often the hardest parts. things don't always imitate the picture in our heads... sometimes, they turn out better. believing for you, my friend. god has truly gifted you with a beautiful family. ((hugs))

  11. What a wonderful post about faith, trust, love, and adoption! It makes my heart squeeze and tears to my eyes! In church this morning, we sang, "Be Still My Soul" and I cried my way through it. The wondering what God has in store for your life, the uncertainty of adoption, all weighs heavily on my heart. Reading your words today, and singing, Be Still My Soul, soothes me.

    I pray God answers your prayers about another child, I still ask daily for 'that' answer of pursuing another adoption..

    May God Bless you as He has abundantly done so already!

  12. Glad you are back writing because you are good at it! Also at taking pictures. Love this! "I rest my head on the pillow of God's promises. It's comfy here. I'm content and hopeful. He's got this whole thing covered - something He's proven time and time again."

    Thanks for sharing your heart and perspective...I surely don't understand how "the system" works either.

    Happy camping...I know I could do it if I had to, but I'm glad I don't. :)

  13. I love this. Just love it. Beautifully put Rach.

  14. This definitely could have been me writing this post. My thoughts mirror your's! Hugs and prayers for you!

  15. You've done it again. Reading your words is like reading a poem, my friend. And you managed to slip in a Mista Bates reference, which I just love :) Here's hoping that your next gift unwraps itself in a most wonderful way.

  16. Beautiful - you really can put your thoughts and emotions down on paper. I really need to get back to church... it's been way too long. I'm yearning for that peace.

  17. Hello,
    I am new to your blog. My husband and I have struggled with infertility as well before our calling to adopt from South Korea. We are in our 4th month of wait. I need to tell you that I have read this post numerous times and can just relate so well. You have a gift for putting your emotions in written word. I would just like you to know that if I could write as well as you, my heart would be pouring the same lines out. Thank you for sharing and letting us know that we are not alone. God Bless.

    PS. your pictures are amazing and your son is beautiful!



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