Saturday, May 11, 2013

because Mother's Day can be hard :: a repost

January 26
Sometimes, in the midst of this new normal, I forget what it was like. Who I was then.

That time when emotions were always bubbling right at the surface, as if they could spill over at any given moment. And they often did. The days when an unmet desire left me aching and in tears. The years when the unknown was a hard, bitter pill to swallow. Those nights when my tired and broken heart whispered prayers to my Father in the dark.

Prayers for a child.

For me, and for many of you, I'm sure, tiny scars of that time remain on my heart - but the pain of it is long, long gone. Those scars occasionally twinge as a memory surfaces and, in a good way, they don't let me forget. I'm thankful for those little reminders because I don't want to forget.

God, too, wants me to remember. Always.

In that time of loneliness and hurt and unknown, He was there. He held on when I wrestled Him and pulled away. He replaced my fear with His precious promises to love me and do what He knew was best.

God reminded me this was all for His glory.

And he forgave the jealousy and doubt and anger....the list could go on and on.

He seasoned me and waited until His time and then he gave me a son. He choose me to be Josiah's mom. Our beautiful boy was meant to be ours.

Had things been different, had I been the one deciding the plans of my life, I now wouldn't be holding him. That thought alone brings tears to my eyes.

I'm so thankful to be the mama to this amazing two-year-old. I pick up stray socks and calm fears and read books before naptime. I giggle with him and kiss his cheeks and buckle him into his car seat.

Motherhood is my new imperfect, but wonderful normal but it doesn't take much to bring me back to the chapter of life before this. I've chatted before about the power of the quiet moments - tucking him in at bedtime or when we're rocking or sitting together on the back patio - that I find myself overwhelmed with gratefulness as I remember the girl I was, not too long ago. The one who felt sad and alone. The one whose arms were empty. The girl I wrote a letter to.

What I wouldn't do to give her a hug. To sit with her, hold her hand and share what I know and feel now.

In the past 3 years, I have received countless e-mails that contained questions about adoption or infertility or requests for prayer {these notes, too, serve as littler reminders to not forget}. A few of these gals are friends or acquaintances, but most were strangers met through this blog. Strangers before, but now sisters.

So many of these ladies expressed the loneliness that comes with waiting for a child.

Loneliness is the pits, I know. But when you can vent and share and even find joy in the hardships, you learn quickly that you aren't so alone after all. I can't give my former self a hug or a hand, but I can offer one to you sisters. I can write out my story and share struggles and where I find peace. I can say that I get it. Because I do.

So yes, sometimes I forget because I'm now in this season of motherhood. But I find myself thankful for the continuous stream of reminders.

A few months ago, I was running errands and heard the song below while pulling into a parking space. I listened and cried tears -partly because of the journey, but mostly because of the truth of the words.

God cares. He gives and withholds. And He knows best.

He heals.

He loves. Oh how He loves....




If you find yourself waiting, please know that you're not alone....that you are not forgotten.

I pray that you would embrace the moments and gift of each day and not let them pass by without joy and praise. I failed at this a lot. Life in a "waiting room" can be so difficult, but it is not broken or unblessed.....but rather filled with purpose and hope.

Mother's Day is in just a few days. And Mother's Day can be hard. For many women, the day will weigh heavy and you'll want it to pass quickly. I know because I felt the same way. But even if you won't receive flowers or hand prints on a card or a hug from a child, you are still loved and celebrated.

I hope that you feel peace in the journey.

And I truly hope that you are blessed with your heart's desire.



**originally posted on May 6, 2011**







4 comments:

  1. this is so beautiful.
    happy mama's day to you, friend.
    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow, this is so inspirational not only to mothers but to everyone who is in a state of loneliness and anxiety. Thanks a lot for those words of encouragement and hope. Recalling from the past experiences made appreciate the purpose of life. God really loves us all though we are sinners.

    ReplyDelete

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